Mom

I miss my mom. What can I say I am weak, sometimes I dont know what to do. You think I could be strong enough I mean I act like it enough but lets be honest sometimes i really do just want her back, sometimes I need her voice to tell me that it will be ok in the end. She had high expectations to me and to everyone and right now i am not living up to them this hurts more then anything else. I'll be honest the one sure fire way to make me cry is to get me to talk about her. She was my inspiration she was the one who got me to draw, who let me follow any passion I had except riding, I think cause it reminded her of her father. I wish she was alive even though from a young age I knew she was going to die, still I held on. You start believing that if you really need them they wont leave, I think thats what kept her going, even when she fell into a coma even when she forgot who I was.... I think there was something there. She had this uncanny ability to make people come together usually with drinks but still they got along. I wish I could know she was proud. One of the many reasons I will never have kids, besides for the safety of the world, is because I cant bear having them not know her. I know yeah stories and shit but that still doesnt make them real... I just want to make her proud... ok rant over.

Snow and Eagles

It is consitantly snowing in Idaho very different from what I am used to in western washington, nothing new has happened no new animals no new nothing except I may end up over the summer working with some eagles.

I See Stars

I hear how stars are always there in the day when we cant see them, in the city when we pollute the sky with light. But I still cannot get over them when I leave the city and the inhabited areas, the way they dust the sky leaving few black places. They make me feel small and funny making me feel as if I am floating, walking on air, in space forgetting that there are other people for getting my decisions mean something in the long run. A good argument that decisions make a big difference in the future. It never changes things in the long run the universe will never notice such a small ripple but each little decision you make in your life leads to bigger consequences when does it stop. When does the large difference fade away to nothing when can i be brave enough to learn about these things. I smelled my mom yesterday, little things that bring me back to a reality that I will never have again, a dream, a forgotten place in figmentitive time, places with stars.

This and the Wilderness

There is a special place in their hearts Americans hold wilderness. It is the embodiment of what our country was and our views and the complete picture of the ability of building your future from nothing but untamed wilderness. Its the beginning of the new year and the time to reflect on last and hope for better next year. I cant help but look in the mirror make-up less and smile. I dont see my reflection but that of my mother who passed away last year see that same fluffy hair and the small nose, but after the tears and the 'why now's now I have an angel looking out for me. I never lost anything but my hope maybe it didnt turn out with my plans but I wouldnt change it for fear I would loose what has made that year. The wilderness is the dream it is the unbound romantic world that we strive for. As we have covered the earth we have looked and claimed, fenced and bordered, divided and abused we now are searching for those places where you can see the same land that was here when humans first touched it. This wilderness is gone for many. For very few can say they have seen endless places that are untouched and unclaimed. For those of us who are lost in finding an empty clean slate to set down our futures on we have ourselves. It is within us that we have this chance to build a future. You are not just a single person you are a chance a random act of nature that brought you to this world now make your future make your mark on the earth. I dare you to be remembered in the same way we remember and cherish the first pioneers. Random acts that led me here, to the people who closed doors in my face, snapped my dreams, drove me to the end of my wits, all the acts that tested me I thank you because you changed me in 2010 and now in 2011 I have a new set of even greater unmanageable goals.

10 things I learned from Animals

I feel that people can lean a lot from animals around them it has been shown that kids who grow up with pets have better school attendance, higher self esteem and higher cognitive development. As much as we try to separate our selves from the world around us we are doomed to fail. Here are just some of the things I have learned from creatures around me.

1) It doesnt matter what is on the outside it matters what is inside. As cheesy as that is your dog doesnt care whether you have a fucking huge zit plastered in the middle of your nose and look vaguely like you belong in a Christmas special. Your dog will still greet you and love you just the same.

2) There is no such thing as being caged. You are never trapped I have seen some crazy escapes. Monkeys pick locks and birds learn to use the metro because they couldn't fly. There is always a way out no matter how insane.

3) Your mother is always right. I shouldnt even have to explain this one but learned societies have this ability to teach their offspring what to do and what no to do. You can see this in animals just look really im not explaining this.

4) Nothing good ever happens fast. This is the number one rule in aquariums. If you do anything to quickly you are asking for a ecological collapse. Apply this to your life the harder you work, the longer it takes the more it will be worth.

5) Ask, dont tell. If you have ever tried to move a horse or cow or something of that nature you know this one. It will not move period. No matter what you do to try to move you will not move those hundreds of pounds. You have to ask gently and start poking them annoy it into moving really. If you are one of those people who always tells and never asks I beg of you to push a horse you will find yourself smashed nicely against a wall. I will find it pleasing to view.

6) Be humble. You are not on top of the food chain. If you think this i will throw you into a lion cage mkay and number 2 will not apply.

7) Stop trying to find a reason for everything. Humans are the only ones who always try to find a reason for x or y. "why did x happen to me?" stuff like that ever see another creature do that? No.

8) Trust your instincts. There always right. If something feels wrong it is wrong hands down. Dont ever ever second guess your actions or you will spend your whole life wondering if you made a wrong turn and that is wasting life thats also number 9.

9) Dont waste your life. You are a great random act of randomness. I believe that we are just a series of random actions and ideas. Dont waste these following societies plan for you you are unique so be unique. You have one wild and precious life use it.

10) Be happy. Ever see animals mope in the same way humans do we have so much pitty for ourselves. Dont dawdle on the bad things be happy no one is stopping you besides yourself.

Little Lion Man

Weep for yourself, my man,

You'll never be what is in your heart

Weep Little Lion Man,..."

Sometimes I hit this road block where I cant understand myself anymore. Why I say things that get me in trouble, why I cant finish anything I start...

"You're not as brave as you were at the start

Rate yourself and rake yourself,

Take all the courage you have left..."

I wish I could finish something for once in my life or at least keep it, everything I cherish seems to disappear faster then sunshine in seattle...

"Wasted on fixing all the problems

That you made in your own head"

Supposedly the therapists tell me thats its my own doing, that I can change something, but I cant. I am either afraid to do so, or have yet to really motivated too..

"But it was not your fault but mine

And it was your heart on the line

I really fucked it up this time

Didn't I, my dear?

Didn't I, my..."

"Tremble for yourself, my man,

You know that you have seen this all before..."

This is when time travel would be useful. So all the things we fuck up can be changed. Just think of all the things we could stop. But then we would never grow...

"Tremble Little Lion Man,

You'll never settle any of your scores..."

Why is it when I really need to express what I feel I cant. Why in that moment when the world pauses for you to change it that you cant. It like its laughing at you daring you to guess what you fucked up this time.

"Your grace is wasted in your face,

Your boldness stands alone among the wreck

Now learn from your mother or else spend your days Biting your own neck"

I want to fix everything wrong in the world I want to make it right... How can I do this when I cant even fix myself. Which makes me wonder why I want to change myself. Which I then answer to is because I just want to feel that happy acceptance of when I was a kind. I know its inside myself. I'm just going in circles with my thought which gives me stress and then acne which isnt helpful either.

"But it was not your fault but mine

And it was your heart on the line

I really fucked it up this time

Didn't I, my dear?

Didn't I, my dear?

But it was not your fault but mine

And it was your heart on the line

I really fucked it up this time

Didn't I, my dear?

Didn't I, my dear?"

This song reminds me of one of my fish by the way. Wana know why I love my fish... it is because I envy there happy small existence in the world. The simplicity of their little watery life is magical. Sometimes I wonder if everyone feels this way, call it teenage angst call it boredom. All it is telling me is I really cant wait to get my tablet pen so I can draw again.

Lyrics: Mumford And Sons

Why god invented waterproof eyeliner... among other things

this note is going to be a ramble of all things slightly fishy and deeply metaphorical if you bother to look, feel free to leave anytime.
One of the great things about humans is we have conquered the globe we now reach across the entire surface. Sadly most of it is ocean and of that well lets just say we know more about the surface of the moon then our own oceans. But moving on there is a brilliant hobby out there called aquarium keeping. We as a species love exotic things (animals, art, dancers, etc.) but it is our own backyard that is exotic to another that is worth more then anything else. Some of the best photographers take pictures of there surroundings and what they know shouldn't we be interested into our own backyards. As we have conquered the globe we have lost the exotic factor. There are no more wild lands to discover. This is why we are so enthralled by the idea of Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones, etc. The aquarium gives us a peak into an unknown territory. An idea that we cant go up anymore we might as well go down. And in doing so look into the pools that have collected in our backyards. The fish in the pet store come mainly from Asia and Africa most of the popular species are from those regions as well. They are colorful and brilliant and just plain stupid. I have never seen dumber fish. The more plain a fish looks, the more browns and mushy shades the fish in question tends to be some of the most personable (though this is usually just a rule of thumb). There is a new genre out there called native fish keeping referring to mostly north american species. While there are the boring one there are some brightly colored wonders that fill our (highly polluted *cough cough) streams and lakes. Some of these include sunfish and darters (relatives of perches) and these come in an astounding array of colors. Leaving me to wonder why cant people find the magic anymore in whats in front of them. When did we loose that wow factor that makes life so much more fun. Children find whats in font of them amazing but they loose interest as it just becomes background noise. Sadly we cant see whats right in front of our noses without a mirror. Let the aquarium be the mirror to open your eyes to the lost exotic wonders of what lives right next to us. Oh and god invented waterproof eyeliner so Izi could get her face wet so she can see whats in the river.