Mom

I miss my mom. What can I say I am weak, sometimes I dont know what to do. You think I could be strong enough I mean I act like it enough but lets be honest sometimes i really do just want her back, sometimes I need her voice to tell me that it will be ok in the end. She had high expectations to me and to everyone and right now i am not living up to them this hurts more then anything else. I'll be honest the one sure fire way to make me cry is to get me to talk about her. She was my inspiration she was the one who got me to draw, who let me follow any passion I had except riding, I think cause it reminded her of her father. I wish she was alive even though from a young age I knew she was going to die, still I held on. You start believing that if you really need them they wont leave, I think thats what kept her going, even when she fell into a coma even when she forgot who I was.... I think there was something there. She had this uncanny ability to make people come together usually with drinks but still they got along. I wish I could know she was proud. One of the many reasons I will never have kids, besides for the safety of the world, is because I cant bear having them not know her. I know yeah stories and shit but that still doesnt make them real... I just want to make her proud... ok rant over.

Snow and Eagles

It is consitantly snowing in Idaho very different from what I am used to in western washington, nothing new has happened no new animals no new nothing except I may end up over the summer working with some eagles.

I See Stars

I hear how stars are always there in the day when we cant see them, in the city when we pollute the sky with light. But I still cannot get over them when I leave the city and the inhabited areas, the way they dust the sky leaving few black places. They make me feel small and funny making me feel as if I am floating, walking on air, in space forgetting that there are other people for getting my decisions mean something in the long run. A good argument that decisions make a big difference in the future. It never changes things in the long run the universe will never notice such a small ripple but each little decision you make in your life leads to bigger consequences when does it stop. When does the large difference fade away to nothing when can i be brave enough to learn about these things. I smelled my mom yesterday, little things that bring me back to a reality that I will never have again, a dream, a forgotten place in figmentitive time, places with stars.